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Chapter "You Have to Talk About It"
I was in a group talking about a particular story. It’s popular for publishers to add questions at the end of a book for people in book clubs to talk about. Sometimes these questions are poignant and stimulate discussion.
Often, though, I disagree with their premise, as I did on that particular occasion.
The discussion point was for the reader to explain how much better the protagonist would have been if they had talked about the issue sooner.
Knowing what I do for a living, everyone looked at me. I shrugged, and said “I don’t agree. I don’t think it would have been helpful at all.”
It was clear that everyone in the group was shocked. After all, I’m a shrink. Shrinks urge people to talk about their problems, don’t they? Besides, everybody just knows you “have to talk about it” (whatever ‘it’ may be). Right?
So I gave them this example: If I have a dream and immediately relate it to someone else as soon as I wake up, I’m more likely to remember that dream, and in great detail.
But if I simply get up, have some coffee, take a shower, and then try to remember what happened, I will struggle to recall as much about it. And if it had a strong emotional impact, the severity may be lower.
Sometimes immediately relating events can be helpful. Some people need to tell others repeatedly about every detail of an event that upset them. They can’t stop talking about it.
But for others, this same rapid recollection of a traumatic experience can do the same thing as quickly recalling a dream. Rapidly “talking about it” may help to cement an event in someone’s memory, along with the heightened emotions and physical responses that occurred while the situation occurred.
It depends on the person, the event, and the timing.
Sometimes people just aren’t ready to talk about what they experienced. And we have to respect that. We need to go to where the individual is, at least initially. Not where we think they should go.
Where did the idea come from that in order to heal from trauma the person has to “get it off (his) chest?”
People have promoted “confession” to god or another being in order to heal for centuries. Some religions believe it’s essential.
Freud was a huge proponent of bringing old memories to the forefront. He believed that many of his clients had suffered from significant traumatic events that they had suppressed. Bringing out these hidden memories and discussing them could then result in the individual healing from these events, according to his writings.
I believe in talk therapy. There are libraries full of data that show that with the right person in the right situation, it can be of tremendous benefit to people trying to overcome highly disturbing events.
But telling someone they have to talk about something when they don’t feel ready can sometimes do more harm than good.
Forcing someone to open up before they're ready? That’s a recipe for resistance and shutdown. And sometimes, at worst, the individual can feel as though they’ve been traumatized all over again.
Allowing people to find their own pace is preferable. While waiting for the individual’s readiness, you as the helper can be working on creating an environment of trust and safety rather than pressure and anxiety.
Help them get ready to talk
People hold back information about events and feelings for a variety of reasons.
Some are afraid that talking about something traumatic can bring back the memories…and the feelings… they experienced. And it may be too upsetting to go there.
This is especially true for victims of sexual and other physical assault. Just thinking about the event triggers feelings of terror. The idea of actually talking about it may be too frightening for words.
Occasionally, if I know the individual well, I will ask them to tell me what they’re afraid might happen if they do talk about an emotional or traumatic event. I emphasize that I’m not asking them to relate what actually took place, or all the things they saw or felt. I’m just asking them to tell me if they know what keeps them from talking about it.
Some may fear ridicule about it. They’re afraid other people might think their reaction is over stated or otherwise silly.
Others may be afraid that the people around them will think they let them down or think less of them for their feelings or actions. The person who shied away from a fight might
be afraid that the people around them will think he let them down or think less of them for their feelings or actions. The person who shied away from a fight might think others will see this as cowardice rather than fear and self-preservation.
Regardless of the reason, I allow them to back away from the memory. But I also mention that sometimes people give more power to an event or thought than the occasion deserves and that giving voice to what happened or what they’re feeling may take some of the power away from it.
This latter often serves to allow the client to explore whether or not it’s safe to open up yet.
This can be tricky though. I have to say it in a way that doesn’t sound as though I’m trivializing what happened. Rather, I point out (if it’s true) that whatever happened is causing them great psychological pain. Is enduring the pain preferable to risking a potential consequence of discussing what befell them?
I also have to be ready for the individual to decide that the pain is worth it. Sometimes people simply aren’t ready to talk.
In this case, I tell them it’s like opening a door. I’ll let them decide when they’re ready to step through. We then focus on creating a safe space where the person knows they can talk about their trauma when they feel ready. By showing that you respect their boundaries it’s easier to build trust.
Exploring Non-Verbal Alternatives
Of course, talking about something isn’t the only way to recover from the past. Journaling or art or similar activities may work better for some of our clients or friends. Sometimes it’s easier to discuss the meaning of the art or how their writing makes them feel rather than speaking about the actual events that haunt them.
Children especially may benefit from play or art therapy. Being less verbal than adults, their actions may give the therapist a hint as to the depth or type of trauma the child has suffered. With this knowledge it becomes easier to devise and execute a plan for helping the child overcome their fears and anxieties.
Negative Effects of "Talking About It"
Because the idea that “you have to talk about it” is so entrenched in the popular mind, it’s essential to emphasize that there are significant negatives to this approach.
Re-traumatization: Forcing individuals to recount traumatic events too soon can result in re-traumatization. When someone is still in shock or emotionally overwhelmed, being asked to "talk about it" may intensify their distress. Rather than helping, it can bring the emotions and sensations associated with the trauma back to the forefront in a way that overwhelms the person's ability to cope.
Interfering with Natural Coping Mechanisms: Not everyone processes trauma in the same way, and many individuals prefer a period of silence, avoidance, or distraction before they're ready to confront their emotions.
Forcing premature discussion may short-circuit these natural coping mechanisms, potentially slowing or even stopping the process of overcoming difficult situations. People may need time to gather their thoughts and feelings.
Unwanted Pressure to Perform Emotionally: Individuals may feel pressured to express certain emotions or recount details when they are not ready to do so. Instead of providing relief, this can create feelings of guilt or alienation.
Conclusion
1. “Talking about it" seems like a natural first step after trauma. But evidence shows this approach can be harmful if it’s forced or comes too early.
2 People process trauma differently, there is no one size fits all. Sometimes just offering space, safety, and control over when to share can be far more helpful than forcing the individual to recount the events that bother them.
3. Respecting individual readiness to talk about the things that bother them can be therapeutic by itself, and avoids the possibility of unintentionally deepening the wounds.
4. Let clients lead the conversation: Instead of, “You have to talk about it,” try, “When you’re ready, I’m here to listen.” Generally the client should set the pace.
5. If it feels as though the individual is “stuck” or not progressing beyond a particularly emotionally charged event, exploring reasons that they are unable to discuss it or what it means for their life may help the individual to focus
6. And there are more phrases therapists…and friends… should avoid. Next up: I understand how you feel.
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